I’m launching a podcast! After years of requests, I’m finally doing it, and like most of my projects, from World Baijiu Day to Grape Wall of China, it will be highly focused.
My audience is very niche: former Beijing residents who expressed great relief at “escaping” this city but now post about how much they miss it and wish they could move back. And my first five episodes are ready to go.
Here’s a look at what you can expect!
Episode 1. A pleasant hour of a hammer drill vibrating its melody of slow destruction through my apartment ceiling. Think relentless kettle drum meets un-tuned erhu with a whole lotta construction swagger. This episode also includes my top 88 picks for burgers in Beijing but you won’t hear a word of that due to the commotion. (I’ll also release a twelve-hour version for those who want an extra ear massage.)
Episode 2. Live coverage of my sinus condition on a poor pollution day. Enjoy every sniffle, snort, croup, cough, wheeze and sneeze, every nose blow, booger blast, bronchial beat and phlegm flurry, as well as sighs of despair betwixt epic throat clearings, in what can only be described as a memorable marathon of mucus. Make sure you have tissues handy for this Sino sinus session: it’s a snot jerker.
Episode 3. A mashup of cold calls from salespeople who, whenever I try to talk, yell “WEI!?” It’s oh-so-predictably predictable. And also fun WEI!? for WEI!? the WEI!? whole WEI!? family! No way? Yes WEI!
Episode 4. An hour of expats speaking “Chinese” by using one word of Mandarin per ten of English.
“Excuse me, do you have American pijiu [beer]? I don’t want Budweiser, I want craft pijiu [beer]. Also, I don’t want it warm, I want, oh, how do you say it in Chinese…”
Chinese staff: “Cold?”
“No, not cold. Leung [cold]. Leung pijiu.”
“OK, I’ll get our menu. We have over 50 craft beers.”
“Wow, your English is very hen hao [very good].”
Episode 5. A two-minute exchange repeated 30 times—it’s a 60-minute podcast!—between a neighbor standing outside my place and her mother somewhere behind their closed apartment door a few meters away. A sample.
Daughter: “WHAT!?
Mother: “GET EGGS!”
“WHAT!?”
“EGGS!”
“CHICKEN!?” [Egg and chicken share a Chinese character.]
“EGGS!”
“AH, EGGS!”
“YES, EGGS!”
“NOT CHICKEN!?”
“NO, EGGS!”
“EGGS, OK!”
[Pause]
“HOW MANY!?”
“WHAT!?”
“HOW MANY!?”
“HOW MANY WHAT!?”
“HOW MANY EGGS!?”
Plus another 20 exchanges before I open the door and hand the lunatic a carton of eggs.
You’ll want to enjoy these gems over and over again and that, of course, means amazing value for sponsors. Email me for more details. And happy April Fool’s day.
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Get regular Beijing updates via my Instagram and Twitter feeds. Also see my sibling sites Grape Wall of China, World Baijiu Day and World Marselan Day. Help cover the hosting and other costs of these sites with a WeChat, AliPay or PayPal donation.
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